50 years ago on May 26, my parents stood together and vowed, "to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

The wedding vows.
The ancient promise made from man to woman and woman to man. However phrased, throughout the millennia, the ritual of cleaving yourself one to the other has never changed.

Why do we do it? Especially now, in the 21st century? This has become a throw away society. Loyalty and stability aren't prized anymore. It's not cool. It's too much work. We're too busy to want to make it matter. We have people like Dr. Phil and modern day relationship gurus making us believe that we're all dysfunctional, have poor self-esteem and should always look out for number one first.

Men are expected to be sensitive and women to be tough as nails. Men have to learn to listen and women have to learn to stand up for themselves. The sexes are blending and morphing. If there's one caveman or one Scarlett O'Hara left who can get away with what they used be able to, I'd like to see one. They'd be as anachronistic as yesterday's Ipod. Nowadays, whether it's the younger set or middle-agers looking for love a second time around, people have been thrown into a tizzy wondering whether their latest version of "best practices" is current.

Please!!!!!!

I don't care who you are, what age you are, where you live, whether you're married, are single, man or woman, there's not one of us who is not a little in awe of people like my parents. There's not one man who doesn't have the faintest urge to drag his club home to the cave for a wooly mammoth burger and a night of raw passion with his woman. There's not one woman who wouldn't don a hoop skirt just for the opportunity to swoon in her man's arms. To flutter her eyes open and see naked desire and forever love shining on his face. These were MEN. These were WOMEN. Each separate and distinct from the other. Men behaved like the wild, free creatures they are and women let them believe it. It worked.

Those people didn't have a manual, but we're here aren't we...all of us are their children...the ancestors of desire and vows and promises kept.

I admire my parents. I'm proud of them. I believe in what they stand for. They stand for love and courage and kindness and I've had a front row seat for 49 years watching the living proof that vows are not merely words...they are a commitment to belief. And belief is the child of hope. And hope is the essence of life.

If vows are old fashioned, then I'd better go and find a nice hoop skirt...because I'd rather promise to love and to cherish than not to believe at all.

When I turned on my computer this morning I received a gift. My Mom had been reading my latest blog last night and she had filled out the comment box on my Contact page. She wrote, "Outstanding, sweetheart." I laughed my fool head off. Firstly at the delight of being lauded by my Mom, and secondly, a computer nerd she is not. It took guts for her to try something new like that. Thanks Mom.

This afternoon, I received my second surprise. I guess my Dad was inspired by my Mom and wrote his own comment. He said, "Keep a firm grasp of your inner strength. That light at the end of the tunnel is not some hapless soul with a flashlight. It's your rainbow waiting for you. Love Dad."

Oh Dad, what to tell you?

Remember our discussion last week when you told me be patient honey, your ship will come in? And I said to you, Dad, there is no ship. Today I will tell you that there is no tunnel and there is no rainbow at the end of it.

Daddy, this life I'm living IS the rainbow. And you taught me that. You instilled a love of life in me so deep that my eyes are filling right now with the sheer joy and wonder of just BEING. You taught me to love the world. You taught me to love life, no matter what.

I remember when I was a kid and I would tag along with you to Humber Nurseries. It was there I began to love all green and growing things. You grew climbing roses outside my bedroom window and I used to love waking up with the sun and hearing you putter in the garden...the paradise you created in our backyard. From you I learned a deep reverence for and the awesome healing force of nature. I remember countless times you throwing out your chest and taking in great lungs full of air and saying, "..isn't it wonderful to be alive. Just smell that air honey."

You taught me to dream. I remember a thousand times when you'd pretend to be the Captain of a tall ship sailing the seven seas. I would giggle and keep to myself the same outrageous fantasies I had....like being the mistress of a Caribbean plantation back in the 18th century and being the lover of an infamous yet handsome and kind pirate. Like being a treasure hunter. Like building a castle on an island. Like being an alchemist, a writer, a painter, a sculptor........

You taught me reverence for family. I remember when we went to visit Baba and you would tape-record her stories of the old country. I remember the way you would look at your mother; deeply private love and admiration shining from your eyes for her. I remember all the years of family get-togethers and the laughter. I would watch you and your brother and sisters, your antics and silliness and I would hug myself in joy to be a part of it all.

I've watched you all my life lay your heart at Mom's feet and the tender way she holds it. I learned about love from you. I've held up your relationship as the example by which I want to conduct myself.

These are all simple things. But they are my joy. I don't need a ship laden with treasure...or an over-flowing bank account...or possesions...to make me feel whole and successful. It's the hundred simple joys every day that fill me; that complete me. It's the warmth of the sun. It's the smell of new grass. It's cooking a good meal. It's a book...music...laughter. It's the touch and smell of a beloved. It's family.

Dad, I'm looking out my window now. The view is not pretty; but the setting sun is glancing off the building across the way. It's shining into my eyes, it's utterly magical and it makes me happy. Be happy for me.

I've been sitting on the fence over an issue for a long time. Are things meant to be?

There was a day I would stomp off in a huff if anyone uttered those fateful words. Like a sonorous bell tolling lonely and long, those words create a chill in my soul. I picture a tall, slim, cloaked figure pointing with a skeletal finger and obliterating free will and caprice and serendipity with one whispered phrase, "It was meant to be."

But here I sit wondering now. If I look back over the events of my life, I'm wondering if my path was chosen for me. While living it I had no choice but to react subjectively and take each event from the sublime to the ridiculous, from the tragic to the triumphant as they came....but looking back objectively I can see how each event in my life wove seamlessly into the other.

The reason I'm involved with the issue currently is because if my life has been charted I want to be an active and aware participant. I was born a reactor. I'm a Scorpio, I'm a Monkey and come from a long line of passionate Eastern Europeans (and my Dad maintains, even a bloody Cossack or two). If my journey has been laid out for me, I at least want to stand at the helm with wide-open eyes and ears. That means less reacting and more participating. Since my lay off in November I've been blessed to have the moral support of my wonderful friends and family. Without them I don't know how I would have born the utter loneliness of spending each day separated from work-mates, and the simple human contact we all need. Two friends in particular deserve all my awe. From one I would wake up to an email every morning wishing me a happy Monday, Tuesday or whichever day it was. This person was patiently present for the birth of my future plans, my website and my semi-daily philosophical blow up or freak out. I owe this friend a debt of deep gratitude. The other would phone me every afternoon or evening to see how my day was and to lend an ear or a word of encouragement when required. My other friends were remarkable and they have all my respect for being there when they could, busy lives notwithstanding.

I've come to this juncture simply because all of my friends have disappeared in the last month. I don't mean that the way it sounds. Each of them remarkably, have been afflicted all at the same time with sickness or disasters of their own. Two of them are in other countries trying to heal themselves or family members. One had an operation. One has had sickness and "life" to deal with. It goes on and on. I have found myself alone at the most critical point since my layoff.

So, my question is....was this meant to be? Was I meant to face all that I am right now, without the comfort that I've come to depend on? I think so. And you know what? I've not only made it through without them, but I've thrived. I think that it was "meant to be" a big lesson for me. I've gotten used to walking with crutches, and I've had to learn to walk unaided again. I had forgotten how strong I am. This past month has been a hard but necessary lesson.

When I welcome these beloved friends back, I'll be there to resume the role I'm most comfortable with...the healer...the one with the outstretched loving arms...the supporter...the motivator. That's me at my best and happiest. I am grateful for the chance to participate in my own life lesson and the awareness to see it for what it was.

I was taken to task today by a new friend for what he perceived as "weakness" perhaps, concerning my last blog.

I'll agree and I'll disagree all at once.

I'll agree in so far as to say, yes, I have moments of great weakness. The only difference between me and the next guy, is that I'm not afraid of experiencing those moments or admitting to them.
I'll disagree by saying, how can I teach, if I haven't experienced?

If a student approaches me and is consumed by doubt and longing and fear, who am I to stand above them and promise that everything's going to be easy and look at me!!!... I'm a tower of strength and there's no indecision, or disappointment, or stumbling or mis-speaking, or god forbid, human weakness. I'm above all that now. I'm enlightened.

That's as far from the truth as it could be.

This blog, this website is my venue. I have been teaching for a very long time, and I have wonderful memories of seeing a student or friend rise above themselves and attain their heart's desires. I have had people who've listened and learned and gone and done their own thing, right or wrong...it's not for me to judge. I've had people who don't understand me, or who just can't cope with my brand of expression.

But, the fact is that it's mine. I invited people to dream along with me. I never said the experience was going to be flawless and easy. People are free to read me, or free to search another author whose ideas and experiences are a little less human and a little more edited.
I am who I am.

In Sanskrit there is a beautiful word, and a deeply respectful gesture that acknowledges the light in the soul of one, by the soul in another.

Namaste.

You don't have to like what I say, or the way I say it, but know that I wear my humanity comfortably and whether I'm weak one day or ready to take on the world the next, it's my right.

I got a phone call from my nephew tonight. He was calling to ask for my recipe for smoothies. Seems his brand new braces are causing more than a little pain and chewing is out of the question for a few days.

He very sweetly asked how my new job is working out. Polite kid. Gets that from his Auntie, I'm sure :) I answered diplomatically and gave him the bare bones...in other words, it's a job honey. He was satisfied with that and we moved on to Lost and who's going to get killed in this week's episode.

A number of friends have been asking and I've been giving them far more detail. And the details are not pleasant. In return my friends are offering well-meaning encouragement, such as "stay positive"..."it could be worse"..."at least you have a job". All these statements are valid....except for one thing...it's not enough.

It's not enough to settle anymore. More than security, more than a paycheque, more than having a purpose, this new job has given me the one thing that I needed...a kick in the ass. I can see my future and it has nothing to do with mindlessly performing a task that an automaton could do. My future is bright, bold and outrageous...just like me. I want my life to have mattered. I want to share my thoughts, wisdom and courage with anyone who needs it. I want to hold my heart in my hands before me like a beacon of hope. I want to be an example to my niece and nephew and my friends' kids.

Who needs to settle anymore anyway? There's enough possibility in this millenium to suit everyone.

The question is, what is it worth to you? Is it harder to long for something, or harder to accept what you have? Is your dream a voice you can ignore or is it like a tight pain somewhere in the vicinity of your heart? Is it enough to do things the way they've always been done, or do you long to break free of your own constraints? Did you put those constraints there to save yourself from pain, or to make yourself believe this is the only way it can be? Are you more afraid of looking foolish, or more afraid of letting your music die within you?

For me, it's worth everything. I want to live as I love....with courage and passion. Love is messy and inconvenient and heart-breakingly beautiful and fragile. So is life....but so worth the effort. Love needs patience, compassion, kindness and understanding. So do you. So give it to yourself.

Watch me as I break my constraints, or better yet, join me.

I was informed a couple of hours ago that a friend I had worked with and laughed with and dreamt with, and yes, bitched with, passed away.

I was astounded once again at the cruelty of fate. She and I along with 120 of our fellow employees were laid off several months ago. My friend suffered from ill health and the stress of our situation was wearing her down, piece by piece...BUT...she grabbed the opportunity by the horns and bought herself a lovely little condo in which to enjoy her forced, but well-deserved retirement. She put up a valiant struggle to embrace the wonderful new life she was creating for herself...but her heart was overcome by the strain and our dear friend left us.
She will be missed deeply.

What is it going to take?
What does it have to take for people to realize this is it...this is our one and only shot at EVERYTHING!!!
Health, peace, joy, happiness and love.

Every single day is a gift.

Wherever you are when you read this...STOP...and take an inventory of how you spent your day.

Was there laughter? Did you share laughter with a friend or your kid?
Did you have a new idea, or a moment of glorious hope? Are you going to act on it or let it fade away to nothingness?
Did you perform just one act of kindness today?
Did you honour your friends, talk to your Mom or be good to yourself?
Did you give thanks for your husband, wife, partner or lover? Will you tell them?
Have you said, "I love you" today?

If not I suggest you do. Whether it's for the first time or the thousandth, make the time today to love.

By asking that you do this, I honour my friend...you honour me...and most importantly you honour yourself.