I was looking at my collection of quotes this morning hoping for inspiration. It's not that I lack it at the moment; it's that I have TOO MUCH inspiring me right now, and not much of it positive. I was holding back because the urge to whine is strong; and this blog has to reflect a little dignity lest it dissolve into the latest "reality" show. I'm facing another of life's great crises....unemployment and penury....and though I would like to say I'm handling it with grace and humour....uh...not so much. While I'm excited to see what lays beyond the current "disaster"; I harbour a little of the ancient human dread of the unknown.

So perhaps I was right; to look for inspiration. Not for material for a blog, but for courage.

I was half listening to Canadian Idol last night and one of the contestants was singing a song by R.E.M. titled, "Everybody Hurts". I just googled the band's site and there were the lyrics.....

"When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone."

Cool song. It made me think this morning. Ironically, not about myself. About my family and friends. As I drew each face in my mind's eye I realized I know what makes them hurt. Whether they've spoken about it, whether they wear it on their face, or whether they try and hide it behind bravado and scorn....I know their pain. It rocked my world, I can tell you that.

If everybody hurts so damn much, how DO we go on?

I was talking to a girlfriend yesterday and told her that I know everything will be ok for me by December. She asked me how I know. I said I just KNOW. Again she asked, how do you know Linda? Because I said, I have....

Hope.
Without it, you might as well retire to a chair, curl yourself into a ball and rock and moan for the rest of your life. In an attempt to survive, pride goes first, followed by wracking fear and anxiety; but quiet hope is beneath it all. It whispers sweet comfort. It is the beginning and the end of all things. It is the most powerful resource we possess.

Love.
I am loved by some fiercely. By others greatly. By a few quietly. But I know it's there. I can feel it, see it and hear it. People may not always understand me, or get frustrated by me; but I am loved. Of that I have no doubt.

Desire.
I burn with it. I burn with the desire to live the life I've always imagined. When the light fades from my path I turn on a flashlight. When the battery dies, I light a candle. When the candle burns out; I sit quietly and the light from my own eyes helps me find my way again. With all the interruptions and wrong turns along the way, it's taken me almost 50 years to come even this close to my dream; but the desire is as strong and the intention even more powerful.

For every ten steps back, I'll take that one step forward again and again and again, pushed by desire, fueled by hope and strengthened by love.

Everybody hurts sure. But what do you do with that hurt? I know what I do with mine. I put it back in the pot and swirl it around and turn it into something else. I make it work for me. I make it into a strength.

The courage I was searching for this morning was found in the very act of reaching for inspiration. When you are inspired your mind opens to possibility. Possibility begets action. Action is an act of courage.

Here I go, taking action....again :)

I've been thinking about time a lot. It's been 16 days since I've written my last blog. It's been 8 days since I lost my job. It's been 36 hours since I've been kissed.

Summer is winding down. Didn't it just begin? In 91 days I will turn 50. Wasn't I 20 just a week ago? It's been 27 years since I've ridden on a motorcycle. It's been 11 years since I've eaten a potato chip or a donut. My Hydro bill is due today. I saw one of my best friends 3 days ago. I haven't seen another in 15 years.

It's been 32 years since I've done a handstand. 24 hours since I've lifted weights. 6 years since I've taken a trip out of the country and one year since I've been at a cottage. It's been two minutes since I poured myself a cup of de-caf coffee and 12 years since I gave up caffeine.

All of the pundits suggest that time is an illusion. No disrespect to those who live on a higher plane, but when I was windexing a glass mirror on my bed yesterday, the face looking back up at me reflected ALL of my 49 years. Just a sidebar ladies....past a certain age, never ever look in a mirror in any but the upright position. If time is an illusion why does my face sag, and my joints hurt and why does my heart feel heavy when it's been too long since I've seen a beloved friend or a beloved?

Since I've abjured my rights to join the pundits in favour of living a wholly human experience, I feel the passing of time acutely. I asked a friend once during a dramatic period where time and the loss of it were at the heart of our issue, "What would you do to have just one more hour with your Dad?" His beloved father passed away four years ago and my question was not meant to wound, but only to remind that time knows no master. There is no stallion wild enough that it can't be broken. There is no mountain high enough that it can't be climbed. There is no depth to depravity or no bounds on compassion...but time is the great leveller. It is merciless and benevolent all at once. You can't get it back. You can't command it. You can't bargain with it or cheat it. You can however respect it and use it to enhance the quality of your life and of those who walk beside you on your journey.

Saying I love you can take three seconds. But love can last an eternity. Phoning someone you know who is waiting to pick up can last a couple of minutes. But the effects of your gesture can last for days. Taking the time to be thoughtful, kind and loving to someone is effortless, but the memory can last a lifetime. Time is no illusion...it is real. It is a monster, a gift, a curse, a blessing.

Take time today...to TAKE TIME. Take a time out. Take some time off. Take care of your time. When you finish reading this blog, it will already be a part of your past.

I know of no other passage that says what I feel about time so well as the "eternal" words of William Blake. Read it once; read it again. Close your eyes and feel the awe-inspiring lesson take hold and promise yourself to never lose your time again....to trivia, to pride, to anger, to prove a point, to wasteful pursuits, to anyone or anything that doesn't enrich, uplift, inspire or love you.

"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And Heaven in a wildflower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour."

I had the privilege today to read something wondrous. It wasn't a book. It wasn't an article, or something off the web. It was a letter written by a friend of mine.

He is losing the woman he loves to another man. He spoke to me today before letting me read the letter. I have never in my life heard any man bare his soul so completely as he did to me. What man does? Most would rather cut out their tongues than whisper the words that every woman longs to hear. I watched him as he spoke and saw the raw pain and the tears filling his eyes. And inside my head I was jumping for joy yelling "Hot damn!!!! I've got me a live one!!!!!"

But I made myself sit still, quietly, respecting his need to share his pain before jumping in with an extremely loud..."FIGHT FOR HER!!!! Do what you have to do, but for the love of god, fight to keep her."

He looked at me with his woebegone face and said, "I'm going to Linda. This time I'm going to."

So I was thinking to myself, why on earth does it have to get to that point? Why do people so shamelessly take each other for granted and then have to scramble to offer the very thing that should have been honoured in the first place? Maybe I'm just looking at things from the other side of my middle age...you know...the side that leads to old age and then the grand finale. I mean I've been married and my ex-husband who has remained one of my very best friends has said more beautiful, healing things to me since we've been separated than when we were together. It is years too late for us. But for my friend who is on the cusp of losing his true love, it's not too late. And what of those people who are well settled into routine and complacency? It's certainly not too late for them. It shouldn't take a fear to knock some sense into lovers. It should just take a little care. When you hold someone in your arms, you have a responsibility to hold their heart safe. Within the circle of your arms you hold their joy and their love, as you hold your own.

I shared a poem with you a couple of weeks ago. It was poignant and well-scripted. The man was an accomplished artist. But my friend is just a regular man. His poetry lives in his soul and will never be published. I want you to read the words of love, that if the gods are kind, will give back to this lonely, heartsick man the one thing he loves above everything else. He wrote,

"I don't know how I could have taken someone that I care so much about, and just thrown it away.
So many times you have tried, and I just let it go. I will never forgive myself for that.
I had always felt that we were soul mates, and that feeling only comes along once in your life.
Because of you I had grown very much as a person, and I know that I will never be able to experience something like that ever again.
I know that I had never shown it, but you have always been extremely special to me. I was always proud that you were in my life. I know that I said that I would never put you a pedestal, but in my own way you always were.
You said that I gave you everything, but the one thing you really wanted, and that was me to be with you.If I ever get the chance again, and I know you have given me manyI guarantee with my heart and soul that you will have everything that your heart desires. I will give you the stars and the moon. I would do anything to be with you again.
I would love to turn the clock back on the last nine years, and if it took me the rest of my life to prove it to you, how much you really mean to me."

I think this is the third time I've cried today reading his words. I'm crying for the beauty I see in one man's soul. I'm crying for his pain. I'm crying for his bravery.

I can't help it. I want him to win. He told me what tore them apart, and it's going to take constant vigilance on his part to live up to his promise, but damn I want him to get his girl back.

I've been staring at a blank word document on and off for 5 or so days. I wanted to write a new blog, but I've been heavily involved in an intense affair. With anger. I'm angry at my cat for dying. I'm angry at some people in my life. I'm angry at some recent turns of events.
Not sulking, petulant, moping, despairing, worrying, whining or sniveling....just angry.
It's quite the new sensation for me; prolonged anger. I have bouts that burn brightly for an hour or two and then I usually talk myself out of them. I don't hold a grudge. I don't get back or get even. I don't see the point. It's a waste of energy and time and I'm really at heart a make love, not war kind of gal.

But this time, I'm riding a wave of fury and I can't see the shore yet.

Buddha said, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else....you are the one who gets burned."
Now I have a girlfriend who maintains that anger is good. It's a motivator. I don't know. To a point maybe. If the anger is a spur to action....if it motivates you to confront the people who have made you angry....if it motivates you to change the circumstances that made you angry in the first place....then ok.

But I'm just wallowing in it. Holding on to anger is also hurting me. I believe it's masking all sorts of pain that I won't allow myself to express.

I can't curse my cat out. She got sick and she had to die. That's just nature. I can't ream out the people who have made me mad....they're just being themselves and if I made a vow to love them just the way they are, then I have no right to make them answer for what is basically my problem. I can't scream at the host of new circumstances that are making my life a little more challenging than usual. They are what they are and it's up to me to tweak fate, change my path and look at my situation a new way.

I'll just have to ride this one to it's conclusion, blinders off, hair blowing and heart pounding. I'll examine and cross-examine why I feel the need for anger and in doing so, hopefully, I'll emerge on the other side a newer, better version of myself. A "souped up" 1956 model of Linda. Maybe uber-Linda.

Look folks....I've never succumbed to my own press. I've always been the first one to tell you that I'm as human and flawed as everyone else. All I've ever wanted to accomplish was to hold out my hand and assure you that whatever you're facing, whatever state you're currently in....be it anger, despair or just plain weariness....it will pass....IF you're vigilant and care about yourself and want a better life. THIS I know.