I've been thinking a lot over the past couple of days about men and women and why they do what they do. Betrayal in particular.

If you're looking for a solemn treatise backed up with facts, figures, and self-righteous condemnation, laced with scorn and weepy womanly outpourings of rage you can stop reading now. If you want a non-traditional take on the vagaries of human companionship, be my guest.

I have a lot of friends. Men and women both. The women huddle together in great masses of mutual support. One of us suffers, let's say due to an affair and we all pour in to offer our most heartfelt chorus of "Men are pigs. Men are bastards. You deserve better. You don't need this abuse. Walk away. Find someone better." And on and on and on.

It's the men who have the more interesting reactions. They look a little sheepish, pat your back awkwardly and mumble condolences; all the while thinking, well what do you expect....it's what men do.

Oh for the love of god ladies, stop your eternal chattering and moaning. Gloria Steinem got married. End of story. We all want it. We all want the closeness and protection of being "someone's". This is MY husband. This is MY wife. This is MY boyfriend. Belonging to, being beloved by and simply not having to say, "I'm alone" is the ultimate need of humans.

But what do you do when you have them and they take a little side trip? And I'm here to tell you they ALL do. They look. They fantasize. They hide, lie, sneak and they touch. And love has nothing to do with it.

And how do I know this? Because a couple of years ago a friend of mine tried a little experiment. She decided to see what all the hype was about. Even though she was absolutely in love with a man, and is to this day, she wanted to know how men could "dabble" indiscriminately just because they can. So she invited a guy over who she knew was interested in her and did the nasty with him and then sat for three hours afterwards pondering her gut feelings. She had been a "guy" for an hour and that's when she truly understood it and if more women did, they wouldn't have to suffer half as much.

Men need to feel free as much as they want to share their life with a woman. They need to be in control. They need to be admired. They need to conquer. They need to express their passions. After a few years of being tied to the prettiest mare in the stable, your stallion is going to want to buck. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he won't come home to you and be the best lover, boyfriend or husband he can be to you. It simply means he has to be the free, wild creature he is before he heads home to bask in the light of your love.

Are you up to this ladies? Can you be the type of partner that your man craves? One who loves him enough to wait for him? I'm not saying a little slap up the side of the head won't do him any harm. Or even a swift kick in the keister to remind him that he's being served prime rib at home and if he wants baloney, have the good sense to at least not get caught.

I told you my take was a little non-traditional. I'm not condoning cheating. It's dirty, it hurts and it depletes trust. But, what of the husband who drinks or takes drugs? What about the wife-abuser, the one who smacks his lady around? What about the guy who's content to lay around the house while his wife climbs and scratches her way to a better life for them? What about the wife who eggs her husband on to the point where he feels he's going insane and has to escape to feel human again? These are all forms of betrayal.

It's up to each of us to decide what we're willing to suffer in the name of love. I know for absolute certain, if I had a man who treated me lovingly and with great consideration, passion and kindness WHEN HE'S WITH ME, then I would find the strength of character and draw on the deep reserves of love I have for him, to let him be who he is and be a "man".

The Upanishads are a body of work that came out of India many thousands of years ago. They are a collection of inspirational teachings: the teachings of anonymous men and women who recorded their deepest perceptions of Reality. As one author found, "The Upanishads look inward, finding the power of nature only an expression of the more awe-inspiring powers of human consciousness."

I was drawn to one of the passages in particular. It reads, "You are what your deep driving desire is. As your desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny."

For most of my life, sometimes unknowingly, but lately, very consciously I have been living those words.

Just recently after several years of focusing my desire, strengthening my will, and performing deeds calculated to produce the "desired" outcome, part of my destiny....to become a published writer....has been secured.

I'm happy; I'm proud; and am pleased I have just one more piece of evidence to produce for my students and future clients, that you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to.

But this past weekend, as I got set to blow out the candles on my birthday cake....egged on by my family to make a wish, I was struck by a deep sadness, that wishes are the poor cousins of desire. As I blew out my candles I wished with all my heart for something that I knew was never going to come true. It was my deepest heart's desire, but something my will had no chance of attaining because someone else had to make it come true for me. When you wish for something from another person, you will always fail. A wish is nothing more than the heart crying. A wish is asking for something out of nothing.

When you want something you have to BE it. I wanted to be a writer; so I wrote. I wanted to be published; so I began a relentless campaign to make it happen. I want to become recognized and approached by editors; so I will be the best at what I do and before long my desire will become my destiny.

Focusing desire, will and deed will always get you what you want. It's a no fail recipe for success. So don't waste your time wishing your life away. Get out from behind the candles and say, "I WANT."

I wonder how Bill and Annie fought? That would be William Shakespeare and his wife Anne Hathaway. How would the bard handle a domestic squabble? He who said, "What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god."

When cornered by a red-faced woman exploding with anger, I doubt he was any luckier than the rest of us. Pretty words come easy to some of us. I know. But words are nothing without deeds to back them up.

I love you. The three most over-used yet exquisite words on the planet. How we long to hear them. But how much more do we long to see love in action? I know a woman who was married to a man who said I love you to her every day; all the time, over and over. But when it came time to prove it, he didn't know how. Many years later she fell in love with a man who she fears will never say the words, but who has left her speechless with delight with his brave and thoughtful acts of affection and caring.

I remember this same woman saying to her beloved once when she first met him and again not too long ago, "if you take a leap of faith, I will catch you and never let you fall." And she never has. She has never hurt him. She has never demeaned or belittled him. She has never laughed at him. She has never betrayed him.

Deeds my friends, trump words every time.

This couple fights economically; quickly and non-violently. They listen to each other with both ears; heads and hearts fully engaged listening for sincerity backed up by contrition and followed with an act of loving kindness.

I'm not saying words don't count. They do. But follow up.

Emily Dickinson said, "With stammering lips and insufficient sounds, I strive and struggle to deliver right the music of my nature." It's not surprising that the incomparable poet pinpointed the source of most of our troubles with communicating. We don't know how to open ourselves inside out and say see me, believe me, trust me, love me.

So "do" instead. If words fail you, the simple act of standing beside your lady will soothe her faster than all the pretty poetry in the world. Give your guy a chance to cool off in privacy and on his own terms. These are powerful and respectful acts of kindness and caring. Start with "I'm sorry sweetheart"; and then show them how much.