I'm going to buy a bikini this weekend.
A fresh, sexy bikini.

This is far from a mid-life crisis. It's more of a statement. It's saying, this is what I expect from 2008.

For a couple of years I've been wearing a hand me down one-piece from my sister. It was a kind gesture, but just serves to remind me of everything I don't want in my life.
Settling for less than the best just makes my teeth grind.

I'm not a one-piece woman. I'm a bikini woman.

And I'm going to wear that bikini on New Year's Eve.
I've turned down half a dozen invitations from various people to celebrate New Year's with them.

So on Monday a friend visiting from England's going to take me out for lunch and then afterwards, I'm going to check into my new favourite motel/hotel with my laptop and the bikini.
I'm going to frolic like a mermaid in the pool.
Then I'm going to fill the ice bucket, make a drink and toast myself with a heartfelt "nazdarovya" (in deference to my Ukrainian lineage).
I'm going to crank the heat in my room, order pizza, smoke a handful of cigarettes and play.

The countdown to midnight will be the anticlimax of the year for me. I already know what I want from 2008 and how I'm going to make it happen. There are no resolutions clouding my spirit. I'm perfect just the way I am.

I'm flawed and fabulous.
I'm a visionary philosopher and a peasant.
I'm a comedy and a drama.
I'm a dreamer and a doer.
I'm a teacher and a leader.

Come midnight on the eve of a brand new year, I'll make only one promise to myself....to never let a year like 2007 happen again.

The bikini is only the start.

Do you know what you want from 2008? Just for fun, draw an imaginary line on the floor. Everything on the left side represents everything that you don't want in your life. Hurt and worry, anxiety and confusion....whatever is troubling your spirit....remains on the left; then lift your foot symbolically crossing to the right where all the good stuff is. Try it if you don't believe me. The moment you decide NOT to let someone hurt you; the moment you decide NOT to feel so uptight about silly things; the moment you decide NOT to worry and instead be more proactive about your troubles, is the moment you'll feel a tremendous weight fall from your shoulders. You'll feel light and powerful; rejuvenated and on purpose.

Peace and joy be with you. May you love and be loved.

I did something this morning that would have most people who know me gasping in surprise. Instead of my normally nutritious breakfast, I sat down and consumed a HUGE piece of my mother's coffee cake. It doesn't take a genius to recognize that something's a bit "off". It doesn't even take my credentials as a Life Coach to tell me that I indulged in an act of pure emotional eating. Now why would someone who has worked very hard to lose 50 pounds and worked even harder to keep it off for 12 years commit such an act of stupidity?

Not only that, I did something this morning that I swore I would never do. I deleted a blog that I had written last night. I always figured I should let the words stand. But before I fell asleep last night I was squirming, knowing that the story was disjointed. The introduction was at complete odds with the conclusion and the meat of the piece was nothing but banal rhetoric.

I WANTED to say something. You see my day yesterday started with me imploring the universe, that almighty purveyor of challenges and opportunities, beneficence and maleficence, to make something wonderful happen. Something out of the blue wonderful.

I was explaining to a friend yesterday that I feel like a race horse just before they release the gate. I remember the name of that horse now. The one I feel like. Secretariat. He tore through the wind filled with the joy of achievement. This was a champion who was cherished for his mighty heart and his winning spirit. I'm literally stomping the ground filled with unexpressed passion and eagerness; but nowhere to spend it. I'm waiting on future meetings; I'm waiting on other people to give me their time; I'm just waiting. I'm alternately filled with explosive energy and emptiness. My days are filled with the tedium of make work projects while I "wait".

All that's just a breeding ground for yearning. For wonder.

So the day started off not too bad. I visited a man I used to work for who beamed at me from the moment I entered his office; who enveloped me in an affectionate hug in front of his employees. And this from a guy for whom PDA's are verboten. We chatted for awhile and when I left he gathered me up in his arms again for a goodbye hug.

Then an hour later at Walmart I ran into two ex-coworkers and ex-yoga students. I heard the screams from across the parking lot. Running towards me at full tilt, arms held open, my friends smothered me in their joy at seeing me again. I thought, this is cool. Not once, but twice today, I got to see myself through other people's eyes. We take our immediate relationships so much for granted nowadays, that it's a real treat and privilege to watch the joy on someone's face when they see us for the first time in a long time. I felt kind of honoured that three people today thought that much of me.

Later at my friend's house, I got to cuddle her grandson for a couple of hours. He's the cutest little tub of lard I have ever seen. He's too young to reach out, but when he looks at me it's with that joyful baby look that says, "I know you. You make me smile." We flaked on the couch watching TV, and in between grabbing for my fuzzy pajama bottoms and sucking on a pillow, he kept turning around to beam his toothless grin at me.

So all in all, a pretty neat day. Wouldn't you say?
So why the coffee cake? Why the act of nutritional sabotage?
What happened yesterday was nice. Heart warming. Comforting. Smile making.
Call me ornery; I'm almost ashamed to say it, but, it wasn't the wonderfulness that I needed.

I have no problem creating at any given moment a sort of peaceful contentment. In fact, the pundits urge us to strive for that mid-point between lack and abundance; between despair and joy. The logic rings true. By creating a calm acceptance of what IS, you'll never be buffeted by mayhem or ache with desire.
But for me alas, contentment is just a way station. I can go there at will, but it doesn't mean I want to live there all the time.
I NEED to be transfixed; made open mouthed with utter surprise; to squeal with glee. I NEED to well up with joy.
I NEEd my life to be filled with meaning and meaningful acts.

Thankfully it doesn't usually take much. The other day I saw a couple of hawks circling. I gasped with the pure beauty of their airy dance.
Last week my beloved took a leap of faith for me. Knocked me right out of my chair with surprise and filled me with pure bliss.
On the weekend my Mom baked the coffee cake that was one of my most wonderful childhood memories. A cold winter's day. Running home from school freezing. Opening the door to "Hi honey", and watching her take the cake out of the oven. The house smelled of cinnamon and love.

So that cake I ate this morning? Not an act of sabotage, but a moment of pure Crisco joy.

I think from now on, I'll ask the universe EVERY morning for something wonderful to happen. I think we should all make that a condition of our existence.