Who wants change?

That depends.

I was speaking to a friend last night via webcam. No email or phone to hide behind. It was himself, a human on the verge of change and I got to see it, watch it, and coach it raw and live.

It all started when I Skyped him with some fantastic news. I was interviewed yesterday by Metro magazine and it was all could do to keep my glee contained. I wanted to phone EVERYONE.

Now my friend's first reaction was to say the least, lack luster, borderline critical and deflated me to the point where I could have happily pulled the plug on the webcam.
Instead, I sighed, gave myself a few seconds by looking out my gorgeous picture window and then spoke.

Without blame I took him through examples of the other reactions, by other people throughout the day. From 10 of my associates, I received immediate heartfelt congratulations and support. From my best girlfriend, absolute pride. From my Mom, "oh my god Honey!!!" From my 13 year old niece, "Wow Auntie, you're getting famous."

After that, my friend, before my very eyes, leaned into the camera and spoke from his heart. Not an easy thing for any man to do; especially not easy for an ex-army captain and European man to boot! He explained that he's become very aware recently that he speaks his thoughts without editing them and as a consequence has encountered personal and professional setbacks.

Oh could I relate!! My runaway mouth has caused more personal sorrow than I can remember....UNTIL the day I began to realize that I have an edit button located between my brain and my mouth or between my brain and my fingers when I write, and that it was incumbent upon me to use that switch more often than I had been and especially, ESPECIALLY when it means more to someone else than to me to use it.

It almost makes it sound as if I'm promoting "calculated" kindness. Well I am. You know why? Because by proactively choosing kindness as a first response, it becomes second nature and the internal shift takes place within you fairly painlessly. And then the day will come when someone you care about comes to you with outstanding news or even a small personal accomplishment, and your knee jerk reaction of being HEARD will be supplanted by compassionate joy for their achievement. They will SEE it, FEEL it, and instantly their day will have been doubly blessed.

What you have to say at that moment is never more important than what they have to tell you.

I'm happy for my friend. It's not easy to change. It's rare for people to even take stock of their deepest character traits and then take on the awesome challenge of changing or tweaking their stock responses and reactions. Can I tell you though....the rewards of change far outweigh the pain of execution. When you look into the eyes of a friend, spouse, child or lover and see what joy your words or actions have wrought, how could you ever want to be that old you anymore?

p.s.
catch my upcoming interview on thatradio.com Monday, June 30 at 12:30 p.m.
Listen to a Life Coach live or catch it later when I attach the broadcast to my site.

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I'm reading a book called "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. A scientist who was given a death sentence by his doctor. Inoperable, incurable tumours that would end his life within months. Modern pundits would have you create an exercise in which you would live each day as if it's your last, thereby squeezing every last drop this life has to offer. Randy sadly had to do it for real.

His lecture and the subsequent book that was born out of it was an offering not only to his wife and three young kids, but to everyone who has a dream.

I read the introduction where he took us through the diagnoses, the heartbreakingly poignant moments he shared with his wife. They fought over the lecture. Should he do it or not. She wanted him to spend his last few months with her and the kids and not waste their precious last minutes together writing and giving this lecture. He argued that he had a real opportunity to leave a legacy. To his kids, two of whom would never know him being under the age of three; and to dreamers the world over. But to her credit and with the promise that the university would make a DVD of the lecture, his wife agreed.

I started reading this last night when I was really, really, really bummed out over something I had done. It wasn't a bad thing I did. It was the most positive act you could imagine. But I did it without regard for the other person's point of view. I implored with emotion and longing for what I wanted, for understanding and for mercy.

But that's the way it always is, isn't it. When we want someone to do something for us we always approach it from our own wants and needs. If we're sensitive, and I'm happy to say I am, we soften our words with respect. I know I did that too.

I risk.

Because the loud voice and big mouth that makes someone angry is the same mouth that has soothed their fears and forgiven their dumb stuff and laughed with them and smiled at them and spoken words of respect, apology and understanding and said yes when they ask for favours too.

I just never want to get to a place like Randy and his wife. Where time has run out and the story that is being created is cut short by tragedy. That's why I cross the line. Because over the line is a new place filled with new understanding and new possibility and more richness of spirit.

Everyone crosses over a line everyday with someone, somehow. It's how you cross it that counts. Whether you're the crosser or the crossee...Be respectful. Be considerate. Be gracious. Be forgiving. Be grateful. Be courageous. Be humble. Be patient.

Just thinking about two words. Both conjure up powerful images.
Respect and contempt.
Two sides of the same coin.

What's in between?

I bring this up, because it's become clear to me over the last couple of years that the technological devices we're so addicted to have produced a new and not necessarily complimentary means of communication.

It's become my new pet peeve. No. It's become a hair pulling, awe inspiring (and I don't mean in a good way), jaw clenching, stroke producing phenomenon that besets me EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I write an email.

9 times out of ten, the thing is ignored. Whether it's on purpose, accidentally deleted, buried, forgotten or put into pending, I am constantly made aware of the total lack of regard given to a request, question or even a friendly, "hi, how are yah."

As a business owner I find it unconscionable.

Which brings me back to the words of the day. Respect (or the lack thereof), and contempt (through inaction). Because that's what an unanswered request, compliment or salutation feels like.

Some people I've interviewed for clarification toss it off by saying, "oh man, I get a million emails or texts a day. I can't look at them all." Well, I say, yes you can and yes you should.

Communication is more necessary now than ever. These BUSY (another word I have an issue with) lives we've been suckered into mean that something's gotta suffer. And I believe that thing is relationships. Whether business, professional or personal, relationships have taken a blow at their very foundation. The message you ignore today can have longer reaching ramifications than you could ever imagine. You could miss the one message that will change your life or save someone else's. Do you want to take the risk of losing an opportunity, friend or a beloved?

As a business owner, the message that you tossed into the great cyber recycling bin in the sky, could have meant the difference between you getting to first class or settling for mediocrity. As a professional, the compliment or advice you mercilessly trashed could cost you referrals or allies. From a personal standpoint, that sweetly penned, "I love you. Thinking about you today."; or an apology; or an invitation....every one of those you pass off as irritants because your day is so much more important than every one else's could cost you everything.

In this matter, there is no in between. You show respect for people's efforts and advances or risk having them think you hold them in contempt.

Being a first class communicator doesn't take a lot of time or effort. It can be fun, rewarding and heart-warming. It just takes awareness and vigilance. And we all have some of each to spare every day.

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